The Anti-Birth of Lillian Aurora.

This is my second posting to a Birth Trauma group, in hopes of finding women who understand what I've been through and I can talk with to help heal some of this gaping wound. Sorry it's a bit choppy, it took a long time to even write this much.


It's been a year and a half since my daughter was brought into this world. I want to finish what I started on November 13th 2007; Something that has taken me all this time to deal with, and now document: Lillian's Birth Story.

Here's what I have from before:

October 28th 2007:

I'm coming to the point where I'm ready to take any fork in the road that'll lead me to holding my healthy baby girl. I'm almost there, and I think that it's getting to this juncture that turns women into mothers. Where you let go of everything that is yourself and give into whatever is best for your child. The death of you and the birth of your child's mother.

November 13th 2007:

Last night, as I sung my daughter to sleep, I thought about how I got to this moment in my life. How long it's really been since I had the desire to be a mother, and how lucky I am to have finally have made my dreams come true.

I was three years old. I had my bear, Eric, who always played Daddy and my Cabbage Patch Doll, Camila, who filled the role of my daughter. I would play for hours on end, caring for my baby and playing house with my teddy bear. I realized last night that I have put in twenty solid years of yearning for what I have now. A loving and supportive husband, and a beautiful baby girl of my own. It's amazing, and I'm still in a bit of denial about it all.

My daughter, Lillian Aurora Gore was born on Saturday, November 3rd 2007 at 9:24pm. She weighed nine pounds and six ounces, and measured nineteen and a half inches long. I went through three days of escalating back labor, during which Lillian dropped all the way into my pelvis and shut down all my bodily functions. The pain during the contractions was so bad that I had to throw my mind into thinking obsessively about whatever crossed it. Example: The word Kellogg drifted into my thoughts during one contraction on the second day, and then I couldn't get it out. The third day the pain became tortuous, and it didn't help that I couldn't hold any food or water down. I was completely unable to go to the bathroom, and so it all came back up the way it went in. I became incredibly weak from the vomiting and the lack of sustenance, and could not endure any more contractions. At around 4:30 in the afternoon it all became too much, and I decided to throw in the towel and get this baby out any way I could.

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3 silly boys

(no subject)

Do any of your children ask about your csections? How do you feel about it? Lately my middle son has been asking tons of questions. He's 5. Things like did it hurt when they cut the baby out, were you awake, etc. Nothing bad but it still makes me so angry to even talk about it. A couple days ago he asked to see where they cut me. It's times like this that I wish he wasnt so inquisitive!

How much my C-section really cost me....

The long and short of it is that I had a C-section after being diagnosed with preeclampsia after the doctor discovered high BP and I was spilling a gram of protein in my urine. I went through a 36 hour failed induction consisting of Cervadil+Pitocin, Cytotec+Pitocin and finally Pitocin on it's own. I was then sent home feeling as though I'd been raped because I refused another 24 hours of induction and my pressure had reduced, only to return the very next day for the C-section once my blood pressure began to rise again.

I have a vertical external scar, which i have learned to deal with by looking at it like I would look at one of my tattoos - a reminder of my son's "birth." The recovery, while unpleasant, certainly wasn't the most difficult thing I've been through and I attribute that to having my son with me.

But here's the deal....a very dear friend of mine just gave birth at home in a birth pool with midwives, her husband, and family all around and I have found I am intensely envious. I couldn't put my finger on it initially, but now I know why - I never gave birth. After I was separated from my husband and family to get spinal injections, my son was extracted from my body in a sterile environment while I was drugged up and out of it. I never got to experience his BIRTH and I was too drugged up to be happy about his existence and bond with him, let alone be able to nurse him when he finally got to me hours later.

I love my son beyond words but I wonder and worry that my bond would be even stronger with him had I been able to birth him. It's like the stork dropped him out of the sky. My husband has tried to understand and remind me that I carried him inside me for nine months, but I think only another woman who's had a C-section can understand.

Is there anyone out there who can understand me? I feel so alone.
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New Community

I hope everyone takes the time to check it out..
What is surgicalbirth all about?
  • A place to provide new statistics and studies to showcase the cesarean epidemic in our country.
  • A place for women to vent to other women who know how they feel.
  • A place to support each other after their traumatic cesarean experiences.
  • A place to promote VBAC and share amazing VBAC stories

What we are NOT
  • We are NOT a place to talk about why you CHOOSE to have a cesarean rather than a natural birth

I hope to see some of you there!!!!
3 silly boys

(no subject)

I'm sure someone here has experienced that horrible shoulder pain after surgery due to trapped air. (Does that even have a name?) I did with my second. Our third son was unfortunately another csection. (If anyone's interested in reading my birth story it's in my journal He's 6 weeks and for the past few weeks I keep getting this same type of pain only it's right under my sternum, the exact spot that those damn doctors and nurses shoved themselves on top of me to get the baby out. It took me a while to determine if it was chest pain or stomach pain. At first I thought it was constipation or something diet related but it's not. It's just a terrible pain that wakes me up in the middle of the night. The only tolerable position is to lay flat on my back. It's gotten so bad at times that I take motrin so the pain will subside enough to get back to sleep. Sometimes it's gone when I wake up but others it's not. This morning it still hurts. I do go to the doctor this week but I just wondered if anyone has experienced the same thing or has ideas to stop it or suggestions on what to ask the doctor for.

ICAN of Connecticut

The next ICAN of Connecticut (International Cesarean Awareness Network) meeting is scheduled for May 8th at 6:30pm at the Papaya Patch in West Hartford, CT.
7 South Main Street
West Hartford, CT
For any questions, or concerns, please contact
or visit our website.
We also have our own yahoo group if you wish to join.


I couldn't figure out how to post to this community from my Flickr account. anyway, the other day I finally did a painting about my C-section, please hop over to my personal journal and check it out. let me know what you think. thanks!

A Girl!

I'm sitting here at home, holding my gorgeous new baby girl. She doesn't have a name yet. DH weighed her and himself on our scale, and then just himself... so our rough estimate is that she weighs 9 lbs 13 oz. I had a really rough long back labor. But all that was forgotten this morning at 10:27 am when my baby finally flew outta me, through DH's hands and onto the mattress I was squatting on. I feel so good. I've not only got a new baby, but I did it by HOME-UNASSISTED VBAC. My body works! Yay! Full birth story will follow eventually.

3 silly boys

(no subject)

I know most, if not all, of you here cant stand to be touched anywhere near your scar. I'm no exception to that. I'm 23 weeks pregnant and this baby moves around quite a bit. That should be a good thing but baby stays so low that it's constantly kicking my scars. I cringe every time my baby moves. :(

I had mentioned this to my husband and his response was that the baby knows the way out. I know it was meant as a joke but I seriously wanted to punch him! That's NOT how this baby is coming out!