The Anti-Birth of Lillian Aurora.
This is my second posting to a Birth Trauma group, in hopes of finding women who understand what I've been through and I can talk with to help heal some of this gaping wound. Sorry it's a bit choppy, it took a long time to even write this much.
ORIGINALLY POSTED ON OPENDIARY ON MAY 6TH 2009
It's been a year and a half since my daughter was brought into this world. I want to finish what I started on November 13th 2007; Something that has taken me all this time to deal with, and now document: Lillian's Birth Story.
Here's what I have from before:
My daughter, Lillian Aurora Gore was born on Saturday, November 3rd 2007 at 9:24pm. She weighed nine pounds and six ounces, and measured nineteen and a half inches long. I went through three days of escalating back labor, during which Lillian dropped all the way into my pelvis and shut down all my bodily functions. The pain during the contractions was so bad that I had to throw my mind into thinking obsessively about whatever crossed it. Example: The word Kellogg drifted into my thoughts during one contraction on the second day, and then I couldn't get it out. The third day the pain became tortuous, and it didn't help that I couldn't hold any food or water down. I was completely unable to go to the bathroom, and so it all came back up the way it went in. I became incredibly weak from the vomiting and the lack of sustenance, and could not endure any more contractions. At around 4:30 in the afternoon it all became too much, and I decided to throw in the towel and get this baby out any way I could.
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ORIGINALLY POSTED ON OPENDIARY ON MAY 6TH 2009
It's been a year and a half since my daughter was brought into this world. I want to finish what I started on November 13th 2007; Something that has taken me all this time to deal with, and now document: Lillian's Birth Story.
Here's what I have from before:
October 28th 2007:
I'm coming to the point where I'm ready to take any fork in the road that'll lead me to holding my healthy baby girl. I'm almost there, and I think that it's getting to this juncture that turns women into mothers. Where you let go of everything that is yourself and give into whatever is best for your child. The death of you and the birth of your child's mother.
November 13th 2007:
Last night, as I sung my daughter to sleep, I thought about how I got to this moment in my life. How long it's really been since I had the desire to be a mother, and how lucky I am to have finally have made my dreams come true.
I was three years old. I had my bear, Eric, who always played Daddy and my Cabbage Patch Doll, Camila, who filled the role of my daughter. I would play for hours on end, caring for my baby and playing house with my teddy bear. I realized last night that I have put in twenty solid years of yearning for what I have now. A loving and supportive husband, and a beautiful baby girl of my own. It's amazing, and I'm still in a bit of denial about it all.
My daughter, Lillian Aurora Gore was born on Saturday, November 3rd 2007 at 9:24pm. She weighed nine pounds and six ounces, and measured nineteen and a half inches long. I went through three days of escalating back labor, during which Lillian dropped all the way into my pelvis and shut down all my bodily functions. The pain during the contractions was so bad that I had to throw my mind into thinking obsessively about whatever crossed it. Example: The word Kellogg drifted into my thoughts during one contraction on the second day, and then I couldn't get it out. The third day the pain became tortuous, and it didn't help that I couldn't hold any food or water down. I was completely unable to go to the bathroom, and so it all came back up the way it went in. I became incredibly weak from the vomiting and the lack of sustenance, and could not endure any more contractions. At around 4:30 in the afternoon it all became too much, and I decided to throw in the towel and get this baby out any way I could.
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